May 5th… Cinco de Buddy
Today is the 4th anniversary of Raymond’s death. Today is also my niece’s birthday! Life and death… the circle, the great round. Time passes and the wheel keeps turning.
I got a text from Raymond’s cousin’s son last night. Raymond loved his cousin’s and their sons. Bobby, the oldest (who is in his late 20’s) texted that he dubbed today “Cinco de Buddy!” He said, “Just love him everyday and remember his awesomeness and celebrate his life!” I was so touched to know that others are thinking about him today. Raymond always said that we are only remembered for two generations… And I suppose that is true. Bobby’s kids will never know the legacy… the man… the bad ass… the musician, the comedian, the story teller; the cowboy, the fisher; the beach boy; Raymond… aka “Buddy.” They will hopefully hear stories, told with amazement and a laugh, but they won’t know him.
Two months ago, on March 6, I got a beep on my calendar. The alert said that it was the 6 year anniversary of the day Raymond and I met, face to face. March 6th, 2010 was also the day I fell in love with him. I was in Florida with my mummy dear on March 6th, and I decided to read all the letters we had written back and forth to each other prior to our actual meeting in person. I shared some of his letters with my mom and we both marveled at his colorful use of language as well as how thoughtful and insightful his writing was… I came across this one that I had totally forgotten:
I’m up and moving past the shadows, had a good sleep, yes it was good to talk to you. I felt the desire for you, it was good. I felt very comfortable talking with you. You must have been my wife in another life…….I was a good husband to you………I probably passed early in that life from some horrid disease and you grieved so much, you never were with another man. Now we have found each other in this place and it is playing out again, but this time I won’t leave you. I will travel blindly with you…….to your place by the river…….Have a great time with your parents. I envy the day you will have……my love is coming with you today on your outing.
I was shocked and saddened to read this. Raymond was a wise soul. He was intuitive. We had such a karmic connection. He had a sense that we were married in previous lives. What he got wrong was the part about him NOT leaving me. He passed early, in THIS lifetime, from a horrid disease and I have grieved so much that I haven’t been with another man.
I was blessed to have two years and two months with my dear “Buddy.” It’s been 4 years since he has been gone yet I still mourn his passing. I still miss that man’s presence in my life. He’s been gone twice as long as we were together. Love’s funny like that. Our love transcended time. He used to say that it felt as if we were together for 20 years because in a normal dating scenario, when two people met, they would see each other only on weekends for quite a while. We saw each other almost daily from the day we met! He said we were “on the fast track of love!” It was probably because we actually had lived many lives together. We truly recognized, knew and loved each other the second we met, maybe even before we actually met.
I recently read this post on FaceBook: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
This struck me as true.
I have begun to rebuild myself. I’ve gone from having 20 pictures in the house of him/us, to only having 5.
Rebuilding… I’m not as isolated as I was after Raymond died. I’ve moved back to the area where my family lives and I see them, and friends, more often.
Rebuilding… I’ve been to Florida two of the 4 winters he’s been gone. Often while in Florida, I remember the trip the two of us took in the Spring of 2011 and I think that he would be happy that I am in the sun, listening to the surf with my toes in the sand. He’d be happy to see me fishing off the pier. He would have laughed and been so proud when I caught little sharks this year!
Rebuilding… I get out a bit more. I am reading again. I laugh a bit more. I don’t think about the trauma of his illness and death as much as I used to. Instead, I try to remember his stories, the fun and the laughter.
Rebuilding… My life was changed the day Raymond walked into it as much as it changed the day he left. I have never been the same. Sometimes, I think I would like to share my life with someone, find a new partner… but maybe Raymond had it confused and this is the life that he died way too early and “I grieved so much, I never was with another man.”
Life and death. The mystery continues to unfold. Time passes; the wheel keeps turning. I’m along for the ride, rebuilding. I’ve learned to live in the moment. All we ever have is the present. Today, as Bobby dubbed it, is “Cinco de Buddy!” Today I will celebrate his awesomeness. Today I will celebrate his life. It was a good one, (especially his last two years and two months with me.) And, thanks to Bobby, I will celebrate his death. His homecoming. I have to believe it was as glorious as he was. And, I’d like to believe that his wise, loving soul is watching over me… gently encouraging me to rebuild, while waiting patiently, for time to pass… until the day I celebrate my homecoming and we are reunited.