This Dark and Lonely Road

Raymond has been gone one month today.  I’m a stranger on this dark, lonely road.  I don’t sing anymore.  I’m paralyzed.  I can’t get off the couch.  I don’t clean, I don’t eat, don’t make jewelry, haven’t even started to go through Raymond’s things, and I don’t care.

So I sit, and remember.  I remember the plans we had.  Plans of travels in our new camper, which sits, alone at the end of the block, like I sit here.  Frozen and alone.

Maybe I should continue with our plan and travel this winter.  Alone?  That wasn’t our plan.  They say that God laughs when we make plans, but why would God take this away from us?  Ray and I spoke of meeting people on our journey, connecting with them and sharing our love.  We talked about making other people’s days brighter simply because we had a chance to interact.  Our intention was to share our love and light and bring our joy to the road.  I’d sell my jewelry, he’d play the guitar, we’d both sing.  We had it all figured out.

Why would God take such a high vision away?  Our intentions were so beautiful.  Our relationship so deep.  He has been gone a month and I feel so alone, so lost, so paralyzed.

Maybe I will travel this winter…maybe I can get a girlfriend to tag along, and we can share the vision I had with Raymond.  The vision of sandy beaches, tropical breezes and making connections with strangers, like me, on a dark, lonely road.

About 1lisaa

I've been on a spiritual quest my whole adult life. As a 59 year old retired school teacher and a long time observer of people, life, nature and miracles, I have decided to start a blog. As I began my blog I was a caregiver for my soul mate Raymond who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2011 and it has been quite a journey. Now, I continue this blog with memoirs, insights, and stories about this journey, called life. In this blog, I hope to find clarity and share spiritual lessons along the way. All comments and insights would be appreciated.
Aside | This entry was posted in death and loss, Life, memoir. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to This Dark and Lonely Road

  1. Rose Hollandsworth says:

    Lisa, I pray that you will soon have some peace in your heart. I am a widow and have been alone for 37 years. My husband was only 43 when he died and I was 42. I can feel your lose and am so sorry that this had to happen when you had so many wonderful plans for your future. I wish I could take away your pain but all I can do is pray for you. I know this won’t help you right now but I have to tell you that time does heal to an extent, but the lose never goes away completely. God Bless you and keep you in his arms.

    • 1lisaa says:

      Dear Rosie, Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. I know it will get easier as time goes by, I was just really missing him yesterday and feeling so alone. I have a wonderful family (as you know) and many friends who are supporting me and helping me stay busy. God Bless you!

  2. Sandy says:

    Dear Lisa;
    I hope you know you are not alone. Please consider this – what would Raymond want you to do? Life is for living. I continue to keep you in my prayers. Take care!

  3. CONSTANCE says:

    YOU HAVE GOT TO GET UP AND MOVE…YOU HAVE GOT TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SELF NOW….THE TIME FOR MORNING IS OVER…HE WILL ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART,AND HE WANTS YOU TO GET UP AND OUT AND MOVE AROUND EXERCISE……TAKE A WALK ON THE BOARD WALK…GO FISHING….IM OFF ON THE 14TH….ID LOVE TO WALK @ ST.CLAIR LITTLE TOWN…THEY HAVE ART GALLERIES AND PLACES TO SELL YOUR JEWERLY….YOU MUST START ANEW….YOU CAN DO THIS….AND ILL HELP YOU…..GOD CLOSES A DOOR AND OPENS A WINDOW…YOU HAVE TO FIND THAT WINDOW JUMP OUT AND MOVE….EXERCISE…SMILE TALK …..BE………

  4. juliette says:

    Dear Loving Girlfriend,

    How you words move me. You are doing such an amazing job of allowing yourself to feel whatever is up for you. You have such a gift of writing and writing, art, creativity isn’t always about the sweetness and light of life. It is also about the shadown and pain of life. Bravo to you for having the courage to be true to yourself. To feel it all, even if it hurts like hell. This is how the deep, deep healing will take place, by allowing youself to feel it all.

    As you know, you are so loved by so many. The people that are still in your life and the people that have passed on. Even though you may not be able to feel the love in your current state of numbness, please trust that it is there. Raymond is sending you so much love and support each day. Paul and I are also. And I know that there are so many beings, see and unseen, that are loving and supporting you through this.

    Be patient with this process. You and Raymond went to deep places of intamacy. Of course, you will miss this and long for it for some time. I know that these may seem like empty words when you are longing for his physical being, but he is still here with you. He is still loving you, holding you, laughing with you. You will be able to feel this again, remember all the love you shared and feel it again. In all the years I have known you, one thing I know for sure, is that you always land on your feet no matter what comes your way. In our small human view, we can’t always see the Divine plan in all it’s complexity and expansion. But it is there, guiding us through life. I know you know this. I am just reminding you.

    I love you beyond words and I am here for you in whatever way you need me. I look forward to beaching it with you this winter. It is time to drive Paul crazy with our little songs, skits and laughter that you and I create when we are together. Come vist Kauai soon!

    All my love, Juliette

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