When I think about Raymond, I think about how blessed I was to have been his “wife.” He knew he was dying and he set things up for me to be alright. He signed over the trailer and I have a darling little home that Raymond took such loving care of. He taught me so much about being careful with my money and now I am living in a place that I can easily afford. My little trailer park looks more like a campground than a trailer park. It is densely wooded and there are so many squirrels, chipmunks and birds that I feel like I am living in a Disney movie.
Raymond made sure I was taken care of because he knew that my life would go on. He had a small insurance policy that he made me the beneficiary of, I have the truck and camper in my name and I am starting to see that I have options in my life. A little flicker of hope is in my heart.
Since I redecorated the deck, I sit outside on my comfy wicker rocking chair, counting my blessings while watching nature. Life goes on and I am learning how to go on without Raymond’s physical presence in mine. Although I miss him everyday, I am slowly coming to a place where I see just how blessed I was to have known him and I am becoming more hopeful about my future.
There is something about fishing that feeds my soul. When I am out in nature, I connect with source and am able to feel the bigger picture. I observe the critters, the clouds passing slowly in the sky, the sun peeking out warming my skin, a soft breeze tousles my hair, and I am thankful. I am thankful to be alive and part of the circle of life.
I have to admit that I do better with company, but I did go fishing alone last Wednesday and all was fine. My friends and family have been fantastic. They call and we have long talks and they drive an hour to come visit me. A friend came out on Thursday. She and I went fishing. As we sat by the water, watching the swans, sea birds and feeling nibbles on the line, it made me happy to be alive. Robin, my sister, came out on Friday and spent the night. We went fishing today and as we were sitting in the sun, with my pole in the water, I felt at peace. I will be fine.
I am starting to make plans. Two girlfriends, who live close by, are going to start walking every morning and I am going to go with them. I’m sure the talks we will have and the nature we will see, not to mention the exercise, will be good for me. I am thinking about going to Kauai for a month in the winter to reconnect with dear friends and feel the wonderful healing energy of the island. I look forward…
Raymond was taken away too early but, thanks to his foresight, the rest of my life will be alright. That is what he wanted, for me to be okay. I am slowly learning that I am going to be okay.