I went up north this past weekend with my family. We had a cabin in Boyne City. It was nice to be up north, put my toes in the warm sand at Lake Michigan, smell the woodsy up north smell and walk through a couple of small towns window shopping. It was great to be with family but I got very emotional.
I opened my camera to take a picture and there was a picture of Raymond, sitting on the couch with his full beard, sick. I just sobbed when I saw that. Our minds are funny things. Mine went immediately to missing him, then to remembering all our doctor’s visits and all the suffering he bravely went through, with his chemo, tests, and surgeries. He lost so much weight. He was so sick. He never complained.
Maybe it was because I was with the people I love and trust, but between the laughter and fun we were having, it was a weepy weekend. I know that some people think that the time for mourning should be over and I should get on with things, but I am having such a tough time at it. I miss him so much.
Maybe it’s because we were so busy before he died. Every week we had one or two dr. appointments, I was busy taking care of his needs, I was busy with the memorial and the funeral. People were coming over and spending the nights keeping me company. My life has suddenly come to a stand still. All of those obligations are over and I am left with myself.
Yesterday, I woke up at 3:00 a.m. and decided to pack up the cloths on his side of the closet. I packed up 6 Hefty bags of his clothing, and I was paralyzed the rest of the day. I just sat here, watching stupid t.v. programs, and playing computer games. I couldn’t move and didn’t want to think. My logical mind knows I should get up and do something, anything… but my spirit wanted to sit, and sit I did, all day with my kitty boy by my side.
A neighbor is helping me take those bags to the salvation army today which will force me to get out of the house. I have good days and bad days. I try to distract myself with friends, family and I even made a necklace recently. I know I am not alone and I have many people who love and care for me, yet I feel so alone.
What I am learning is that we all have our own pace and we all process things differently. Some people stay busy to keep their minds off of things, some people don’t. I am somewhere in between. Between the spirit world and this physical world. Between laughter and tears. Between trying to get on with things and being paralyzed. Between knowing that I am going to be okay and I have a long life to live, and not being okay. Between feeling lucid and feeling crazy. Between laughter and tears.
I am choosing to trust my own path on this journey and my path is taking it slowly and giving myself time to feel what I feel. Today I feel like I might do a few things around this neglected house. I just need to take things minute by minute and let it be what it is, with no guilt or judgement.