I’ve posted a new video of Raymond. This one is funny and strangely enough, I got a profound message from it. To see the video go to youtube and search for: Raymond braves the gulf!.m4v.
In the video, Raymond, a Michigan, fresh water person, bravely goes in to the salty unknown of the Gulf of Mexico with no fear! I often called him my “bad ass” guy, which he would always play down.
I have come to understand that I am not a victim of Raymond’s death. Raymond didn’t leave me alone. I just am alone now. It is what it is. I am in mourning for the loss of his physical presence in my life as well as for the dreams we shared that will never happen. I miss the rides we took in the car, getting lost but always an adventure; something new to explore. I miss the times we would interact with strangers and have some kind of “God Moment.” The kind of moments where you hear the exact words you need to hear at the time.
The other day, I saw Raymond’s cousin John. We were talking and I was telling him how overwhelmed I am feeling with everything that I need to do and take care of. His response to me was, “Lisa, you just need to deal with things.” I was hurt at first, I thought he was being insensitive and he didn’t understand my feelings, but then I realized that this was a God moment.
I watched Raymond’s video that night and I thought that if he could bravely face the ocean I could forge on with my life. This week, I forced my paralyzed body and mind to get up and do something. I visited a dear girlfriend, on the west side, and we had a delightful day at the lake together. We cried, told stories, caught up on each other’s lives and laughed until our stomachs ached. Yesterday, I got off the couch and cleaned the living room and the kitchen. Today, I tackled the rest of the house. I posted an ad on craigslist to sell the camper and I went through some more of Raymond’s things. I am bravely forging ahead and “dealing with things.”
I am feeling somewhat better. I am beginning to look toward my future, and even though it is a future without Raymond, I’ve finally decided to look ahead. Into the unknown, trusting that I am on the exact path I need to be on.
I’m sure there will be sad moments or even sad days. I need to focus on what Ray and I knew was true. That the best things in life are the simple pleasures. Like sipping coffee, early in the morning. Or getting out in nature, appreciating the beauty in the world. Or living a life of gratitude to have been blessed with my wonderful family and friends. I am grateful for so many things in my life. That is where my focus needs to be. I am receptive to God moments and really talking in what I need to hear.
I am open to the possibilities in my life and go forth bravely, just as Raymond braved the gulf!