Raymond Braves the Gulf and I Brave My Life

I’ve posted  a new video of Raymond.  This one is funny and strangely enough, I got a profound message from it.  To see the video go to youtube and search for: Raymond braves the gulf!.m4v.

In the video, Raymond, a Michigan, fresh water person, bravely goes in to the salty unknown of the Gulf of Mexico with no fear!  I often called him my “bad ass” guy, which he would always play down.

I have come to understand that I am not a victim of Raymond’s death. Raymond didn’t leave me alone.  I just am alone now.  It is what it is.  I am in mourning for the loss of his physical presence in my life as well as for the dreams we shared that will never happen.  I miss the rides we took in the car, getting lost but always an adventure; something new to explore.  I miss the times we would interact with strangers and have some kind of “God Moment.”  The kind of moments where you hear the exact words you need to hear at the time.

The other day, I saw Raymond’s cousin John.  We were talking and I was telling him how overwhelmed I am feeling with everything that I need to do and take care of.  His response to me was, “Lisa, you just need to deal with things.”  I was hurt at first, I thought he was being insensitive and he didn’t understand my feelings, but then I realized that this was a God moment.

I watched Raymond’s video that night and I thought that if he could bravely face the ocean I could forge on with my life.  This week, I forced my paralyzed body and mind to get up and do something.   I visited a dear girlfriend, on the west side, and we had a delightful day at the lake together.  We cried, told stories, caught up on each other’s lives and laughed until our stomachs ached.  Yesterday, I got off the couch and cleaned the living room and the kitchen.  Today, I tackled the rest of the house.  I posted an ad on craigslist to sell the camper and I went through some more of Raymond’s things.  I am bravely forging ahead and “dealing with things.”

I am feeling somewhat better.  I am beginning to look toward my future, and even though it is a future without Raymond, I’ve finally decided to look ahead.  Into the unknown, trusting that I am on the exact path I need to be on.

I’m sure there will be sad moments or even sad days.  I need to focus on what Ray and I knew was true.  That the best things in life are the simple pleasures.  Like sipping coffee, early in the morning.  Or getting out in nature, appreciating the beauty in the world.  Or living a life of gratitude to have been blessed with my wonderful family and friends.  I am grateful for so many things in my life.  That is where my focus needs to be.  I am receptive to God moments and really talking in what I need to hear.

I am open to the possibilities in my life and go forth bravely, just as Raymond braved the gulf!

About 1lisaa

I've been on a spiritual quest my whole adult life. As a 59 year old retired school teacher and a long time observer of people, life, nature and miracles, I have decided to start a blog. As I began my blog I was a caregiver for my soul mate Raymond who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in 2011 and it has been quite a journey. Now, I continue this blog with memoirs, insights, and stories about this journey, called life. In this blog, I hope to find clarity and share spiritual lessons along the way. All comments and insights would be appreciated.
Aside | This entry was posted in acceptance, death and loss, healing, memoir. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Raymond Braves the Gulf and I Brave My Life

  1. susy westmoreland says:

    Hey Lisa……I’m thrilled that you have taken such big steps. Congratulations!! You are such an inspiration. I just loved both You Tube videos.
    Love you,

  2. Rose Hollandsworth says:

    Lisa, you sound wonderful. I really don’t know you personally even though I saw you when you were just a baby…..beautiful then as well as now. But anyhow, I’m so very proud of you and want you to know that. I know your parents are proud of you too. You have taken some really big steps. You may have to take a few backwards but you will alwas take at least one more forward than back. Congratlualtions. Rose Hollandsworth

  3. Sandy says:

    Dear Lisa,
    So glad you are “dealing with things” and looking at the positives in your life. Your posts are an inspiration. The truth in what you have personally gone thru and being willing to share it with others is well, a wonderful thing. I continue to pray for you. Take care.

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