It was one year ago, Dec. 21, 2011, which Ray and I sat in Dr. Gadgeel’s office, holding hands and hearing the words, “You have stage 4 lung cancer.” After the shock wore off, I thought it was rather auspicious, being the Winter Solstice. I somehow knew that was an important date. Fortunately Raymond didn’t have to suffer much, and he was such a bad ass, that even with everything he went through, he still laughed, played guitar, sang and talked to me all the way through, until his last few days.
He passed on 5/5/12 at exactly 10:10 a.m. I thought that was rather auspicious as well. So often I’ll look up at the clock and notice that the time is 10:10. When that happens, I always say, “I miss you baby.”
I also just happen to look at the clock at different times, such as, 1:11, 12:12, or 3:33. I call these moments “cosmic moments,” and usually take a minute to enjoy the synchronicity of it!
I can’t believe a year has gone by since his diagnosis. On January 5th, Raymond will have been gone 8 months. I am adjusting much better, my life isn’t so sad any more. I am beginning to remember funny things about Raymond. To know him, was to truly love him. Yet, I feel the need to take pause and notice these important days around the solstice.
My father has been sick. Long story short: He was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus, had radiation, one chemo treatment, which he didn’t tolerate well at all (it took a month to get his blood levels back to normal and he was so weak.) Then he had a cooling down period, and was scheduled for surgery December 7th.
They stopped the surgery after 3 hours telling us that dad had non-alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver. There was a thickening of the wall of the esophagus, but that could just be scar tissue from the radiation. It was recommended the surgery be stopped, because if anything went wrong, his liver wouldn’t be able to process the meds necessary to combat the problem.
Since the time of my father’s diagnosis, and especially after the surgery, I have been filled with fear. I’ve tried to remain strong for my family, but I seem to be hypersensitive. Seeing him so weak and tired brings back so many memories of Raymond’s scary times. Thinking that I could loose my two favorite men in the same year, was all too much.
Then today, dad went to the doctor. While waiting for a phone call about how the appointment went, I happened to watch a 25-minute video that I saw on face book, called “2012 A Message of HOPE.” It spoke about these auspicious times and how we as a human species are awakening. Our individual jobs right now are to awaken, to focus on love, the oneness humanity and unity.
I also read this:
“No matter what you believe or do not believe regarding Dec. 21, 2012, there is something that is undeniably extraordinary about this date: and that refers to the absolutely unique and stunning occurrence happening in the sky above us. First, there is what is called the Galactic Alignment, which refers to the alignment of our Earth and Sun with the centre of the Milky Way (the Dark Rift). Then there is the completion of the Precession of the Equinox which occurs once every (approximately) 26,000 years. Then there is the fact that Sirius will have completed its orbit around the central sun (Alcyone) of the galaxy which occurs once every million years or so, and both stars (Sirius and Alcyone) will also be aligned with the centre of the Milky way, forming what is called The Holy Cross. All on the Winter/Summer Solstice……
If this isn’t incredible, I’m not sure what is….. 🙂
As above, so below……”
After reading this, I received a call from my mother. My father’s doctor appointment went well. He is just having a slow recovery because his liver is compromised. He needs to get up and walk more. They doubled up on his diuretic, which will get rid of the water weight he has gained and get him up more to use the bathroom!
What I have learned is that my fear gets in my way and in the way of the divine plan. Since the Solstice is a good time to set intentions, I’ve decided that I am letting go of the fear! Dad and Raymond are two different people. Raymond was very sick. He was dying. My dad is not dying. It is not his time.
I am focusing on trust. Trust in the divine plan, trust in miracles, trust that loving and peaceful thoughts are much more positive than the fear I was holding on to. If the heavens are aligning, maybe it is time for me to align with my higher self and let go of all that no longer serves me. And so it is! Happy Solstace!